Grief

Just as with anyone experiencing the grief process, some days are better than others. But no matter which stage you happen to be in, one thing is true for all: we miss our loved one.

I miss our little dog. I miss the quirky little things she used to do. I miss how she would wait for someone to step out of the shower so she could lick the water off of their ankles. I miss how she would smell a pro-offered treat then walk away... then as soon as someone would try to pick it up, she would run back, snatch it up, and run off to hide it some where. I miss how she would climb up our chests to smell our eyes... I guess that's how she got our scents. I miss the way she looked at my husband with an expression so clear, you could almost hear her say, "Hi Dad! Love ya, Dad!"

I find myself excited about our new addition but I feel guilty. Guilty because a part of me feels like I am trying to replace what we lost. And guilty that I might unfairly compare our new friend to our old one. Guilty because I know there are a lot worse things I could be dealing with this holiday season, like the loss of a child or parent, etc.

I know this is just a part of the grieving process but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. I also know I will get through this. It will just take time.

Hence The Title... Part 2

So with our beloved Gizmo gone, the house is quiet and lonely. My husband and I have very active yet separate schedules so we find ourselves at home alone a lot while the other of us is out with friends or working or participating in one of our many extracurricular activities.

I am uncomfortable now when I am home alone.... We have a large fish tank that contributes to a lot of background noise. So any little sound I hear makes me jumpy because I can't really tell what it is. With Gizmo around, we had the best watch dog in the world. If anyone tried to get into the house, she would let us know. Now, with the noise from the tank, I wouldn't know if someone was in the house until they were right behind me. It has gotten better lately... I am not quite as jumpy as I used to be, but I am still uncomfortable.

My husband noticed I was having issues right away. There where a few times when he would work late or run errands after work and I would keep calling him to find out when he would be home. If I was out and about, I would take as long as I could doing errands or visiting friends or helping out at church in order to let him beat me home. One day he confronted me... he wanted to know what was up. I couldn't give a straight answer. I finally said, "I just miss her so much." I told him about my concerns and he suggested we start looking for another dog. Not to take her place... no dog could... but to ease my fears and to make our house feel like a home again.

So began our search. The first hurdle was picking the breed. He wanted another Yorkie but I wanted a change. And deep down, I felt it was too soon... I didn't want to be comparing our new baby girl to the one we just lost... it wouldn't be fair to either of them. So we discussed and researched several possible breeds before deciding on a doberman pinscher.

Once we picked the breed, it was time to find a breeder. We made plans to visit many but we only made it to 2. The others we spoke to on the phone did not make us feel like they knew what they were doing or that they were serious breeders. One lady actually told me, "I am not a real breeder. We just love our dobes so much and sometimes they have babies." WTF? So we visited the 2 breeders who made me feel comfortable and that they knew what they were doing.

The first place was pretty good. The mom was on site and seemed to have a very good temperament. The puppies were clean and healthy and seemed to be well kept. We selected the one we wanted and told the guy we would let him know if this was the puppy we chose.

Before we visited the second place, I told the lady on the phone that we were not planning to purchase but that we were just visiting different breeders to get a feel of what there was to choose from in our area. She thanked me for my honesty and gave me directions. When we got there we were pretty impressed. Both parents were on site and had fairly good temperaments as far as we could tell. The puppies appeared healthy and well socialized with the family members.

While we played with the pups, the lady explained to us the differences between the colors (black & tan, "red", blue, and fawn) and why some were considered better than others (we already knew what the colors were but not the genetic pros and cons). She also told us what to look for when we did finally purchase a puppy with regards to papers and registration numbers, important questions to ask the breeder, etc. She spent over an hour educating us and we learned a lot. We picked out a black & tan and a "red" pup and told her we would let her know. We were not even 15 minutes away when I called her back and told her we wanted the "red" one.

So now we wait... "Red" will be 8 weeks old on January 7th and that is about when we will bring her home. My husband came bouncing into the kitchen last night and said with a smile, "I want my dog! I can't wait!" He is too cute... but I am just as excited :-)

We are currently discussing names...

Hence The Title... Part 1

So, why did I name this blog what I did? Because of a dog... well, actually, because of 2 dogs.


We'll start with Gizmo.


She belonged to my husband when he and I started dating. Before I met her and learned her name, he told me he had a dog. I knew my husband from high school and I knew he was a pretty masculine guy. So I figured he had a "guy's dog" like a doberman or a retriever of some kind. You know, a bigger dog. Then he told me she was a small dog. So I figured we were talking about a pit bull or a beagle or something about that size. Then I met her... all 3 pounds of her. She was the smallest, full grown dog I had ever seen.


Gizmo did not like anyone except my husband and his family. She was very protective and very apprehensive about new people coming into her home. My husband warned me of this before I met her. So, when I got there expecting a medium sized guard dog and I found a 3 pound Yorkie, I could not help but let my guard down. And to his surprise, she did, too. She was sitting in my lap within an hour of our first meeting. He told me dogs were great judges of character and that Gizmo did not like anyone... but she liked me so that must mean I was a pretty good person. We were shopping for rings less than 2 months later. Hence the title...


Gizmo was our baby. We've been married almost 5 years and for the last 3 years, people have been asking when we were going to start a family. When ever I was asked if I had any children, my reply was always, "I have a husband and a dog... they are all the kids I need." I knew we planned to have children some day. But I also knew it would be when we were ready, not when society or our friends and family deemed it time. And I was okay with that.


Then, our hearts were torn from our chests on November 9th, 2007. I returned from a run and found our baby girl lying motionless on the ground. I scooped her up and rushed her to the vet ER. She was still warm and I prayed there was some hope. But it was too late. Our "Little Miss" was gone and our hearts were broken.


Our house is too quiet and lonely...


(To Be Continued...)

Why I am even doing this...

I am a talker. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I always have a story to tell. Anyone who knows me knows that, too. And I tend to repeat any given story until everyone I know has heard it at least once. So I figured this might be a good way to tell my story once and be done with it.

For those of you who know me and happen to be characters in any of my stories, fear not! For I will not divulge any personal information (not even your real name) when telling my stories. I will remain as vague as possible regarding the names of people, places, and things in order to maintain a safe amount of privacy.

So Welcome! I hope you enjoy my ramblings :-)