Attachment Part 2

Corrina was born at 27 weeks and had parents who never came to visit her in the NICU. The nurses took turns holding her but they could really only spend a few minutes at a time with her... So when they realized I could bend my schedule around so I could be available for 2-3 hours 2 days a week, they jumped on me to hold her on a regular basis.

The first time I held her, she was about 34 weeks. It felt like I was holding a 2 liter bottle of soda. She was stiff and didn't cuddle into me like most babies do... it was very strange... but within a month, she would melt into me whenever I held her. When I would walk into her room, I would sing "Corrina Bella" and she would look around expectantly. While she was being fed through a tube, I would sing and rock her and read to her and then hold her as she fell asleep. Then we would cuddle for a while before I put her down and went back to work.

As she got older, her parents still didn't visit and the nurses said they thought they might put her up for adoption... culturally, she would not be accepted well... she was in congestive heart failure, on oxygen, and would probably need permanent feeding and breathing tubes inserted before she was allowed to go home. The nurses knew the mom cared about her but was not allowed by dad to visit more than once or twice a month... He didn't allow mom to do anything that took time away from their 2 year old son...

That's when I decided to tell my husband about her...

Me: Well, I am in love...

Hubby: Really?

Me: Her name is Corrina...

H: REALLY?!?!?

Me: She is 3 months old...

H: (looking a bit disappointed but still interested) Tell me about her...

So I did... and then I asked him if he would be willing to be a foster parent if the parents decided to give her up...

I knew he would say no... I thought his reasons would be along the lines of "I am not raising someone else's kid" or "I don't want a kid that doesn't look like us"... I was shocked when he said "No... I don't think our marriage is strong enough for that yet..." My husband, the perpetual 12-year-old, went on to explain how he knew a few families who had taken in a foster child and now they were separated or already divorced... he was actually discussing it like a grown up... I was so proud... disappointed, but proud...

Corrina eventually was transferred to another hospital for longer term care... I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and I was really torn up about it for quite a while... I sent her a card on her first birthday with a note to her mom and a copy of the one picture I had of me holding her... I asked mom to send an updated picture to the NICU so we could see how she was growing and changing... we never heard from them...

Last summer, mom had another little boy... from what I have heard through the grape vine, Corrina finally went home but was treated like the invisible child... very sad...

I still think about her a lot... at least once a week if not more... I miss her... I miss the love she should have shared with our family... and the little girl she had the potential to become... it makes me so sad to think of her being neglected and ignored except for basic care...

When my co-worker said her name aloud to me, it was like re-opening a freshly treated wound... but knowing how much I loved that little girl, even though she wasn't my own, shows me how much I am sure to love the Spider Baby...

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37 weeks today... I am officially full term... if I was to go into labor, they would not try to stop it.... but let's hope we can hold off til October 1st so I can be out through New Year's :-)