Corrina was born at 27 weeks and had parents who never came to visit her in the NICU. The nurses took turns holding her but they could really only spend a few minutes at a time with her... So when they realized I could bend my schedule around so I could be available for 2-3 hours 2 days a week, they jumped on me to hold her on a regular basis.
The first time I held her, she was about 34 weeks. It felt like I was holding a 2 liter bottle of soda. She was stiff and didn't cuddle into me like most babies do... it was very strange... but within a month, she would melt into me whenever I held her. When I would walk into her room, I would sing "Corrina Bella" and she would look around expectantly. While she was being fed through a tube, I would sing and rock her and read to her and then hold her as she fell asleep. Then we would cuddle for a while before I put her down and went back to work.
As she got older, her parents still didn't visit and the nurses said they thought they might put her up for adoption... culturally, she would not be accepted well... she was in congestive heart failure, on oxygen, and would probably need permanent feeding and breathing tubes inserted before she was allowed to go home. The nurses knew the mom cared about her but was not allowed by dad to visit more than once or twice a month... He didn't allow mom to do anything that took time away from their 2 year old son...
That's when I decided to tell my husband about her...
Me: Well, I am in love...
Hubby: Really?
Me: Her name is Corrina...
H: REALLY?!?!?
Me: She is 3 months old...
H: (looking a bit disappointed but still interested) Tell me about her...
So I did... and then I asked him if he would be willing to be a foster parent if the parents decided to give her up...
I knew he would say no... I thought his reasons would be along the lines of "I am not raising someone else's kid" or "I don't want a kid that doesn't look like us"... I was shocked when he said "No... I don't think our marriage is strong enough for that yet..." My husband, the perpetual 12-year-old, went on to explain how he knew a few families who had taken in a foster child and now they were separated or already divorced... he was actually discussing it like a grown up... I was so proud... disappointed, but proud...
Corrina eventually was transferred to another hospital for longer term care... I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and I was really torn up about it for quite a while... I sent her a card on her first birthday with a note to her mom and a copy of the one picture I had of me holding her... I asked mom to send an updated picture to the NICU so we could see how she was growing and changing... we never heard from them...
Last summer, mom had another little boy... from what I have heard through the grape vine, Corrina finally went home but was treated like the invisible child... very sad...
I still think about her a lot... at least once a week if not more... I miss her... I miss the love she should have shared with our family... and the little girl she had the potential to become... it makes me so sad to think of her being neglected and ignored except for basic care...
When my co-worker said her name aloud to me, it was like re-opening a freshly treated wound... but knowing how much I loved that little girl, even though she wasn't my own, shows me how much I am sure to love the Spider Baby...
********************
37 weeks today... I am officially full term... if I was to go into labor, they would not try to stop it.... but let's hope we can hold off til October 1st so I can be out through New Year's :-)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Attachment Part 1
After we got the 3D ultrasound, I carried the pics around with me a lot... mostly to share with others but also to gaze at myself occasionally.
It is still so surreal... I am going to be a mom. There is a baby inside me. I can feel the movement several times a day but it still is so beyond belief that it is not real to me yet. The nursery is done with the exception of the rocker my mom is reupholstering for me, I have completed all my child birth classes, the car seat is ready to be installed and the stroller is already in my trunk... but it still doesn't seem real to me yet...
So when a coworker asked me if I was in love when I showed her the 3D pics, I felt guilty when my response was "I don't even know the kid yet." I mean, I care about Spider Child and I care what happens to him/her but how can I say that I love someone when I don't even know them?
I guess when I think about it, I do love the kid... but its like how you love your siblings when you are growing up or how you love your parents during your teen years... you love them because you have to, not because you really feel the emotion.
I guess the coworker sensed my guilt because she reminded me of a baby I fell in love with a few years ago... she said "You will be fine... think of how much you loved Corrina..."
Yeah, I will be just fine... :-)
It is still so surreal... I am going to be a mom. There is a baby inside me. I can feel the movement several times a day but it still is so beyond belief that it is not real to me yet. The nursery is done with the exception of the rocker my mom is reupholstering for me, I have completed all my child birth classes, the car seat is ready to be installed and the stroller is already in my trunk... but it still doesn't seem real to me yet...
So when a coworker asked me if I was in love when I showed her the 3D pics, I felt guilty when my response was "I don't even know the kid yet." I mean, I care about Spider Child and I care what happens to him/her but how can I say that I love someone when I don't even know them?
I guess when I think about it, I do love the kid... but its like how you love your siblings when you are growing up or how you love your parents during your teen years... you love them because you have to, not because you really feel the emotion.
I guess the coworker sensed my guilt because she reminded me of a baby I fell in love with a few years ago... she said "You will be fine... think of how much you loved Corrina..."
Yeah, I will be just fine... :-)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Two Fish, Five Loaves
We had some excitement last weekend...
My husband left Thursday evening for a weekend fishing trip at a state park located 2-3 hours south of our home... Nothing special... he goes camping about once a month when it's nice out so this was nothing out of the ordinary for him....
Friday night about 11 pm I get a collect call from him... his cell didn't get service where he was.... he had gotten into it with the group of people he was with and had grabbed his stuff and walked off the camp site and headed to the main lodge... he needed a ride...
For those of you who don't know my husband, he can really lose his temper when provoked... I guess this was a different group of people that he knew but had never camped with before... and he got into it with one of the guys and was greatly out numbered... he figured it was better for him to grab his stuff and go than to hit the guy and then either get mauled by the rest of the group or tossed in jail...
So, he gave me some rough directions and I headed out about 11:30 pm... I was doing okay on gas and figured I would try to stop once a little over half-way down there to use the restroom and get gas so we could drive straight thru on the way back.... little did I know that the route I was taking had nothing after the last town 45 min from our house...
There were plenty of gas stations along the route but being so rural and the middle of the night, they were all closed. When my husband called to give me more specific directions, he told me to stop and try a pump anyway... of course it didn't work...
By the time I got to him, I had about 1/8 tank of gas. I told him I thought we should head to the next town and hope for an open pump but he refused and we headed back toward home... me knowing there was no hope for gas for at least 50 miles or more...
Now, being a guy, my husband set out to prove me wrong. We stopped at one station and although it accepted his card, the pumps were off so all we could get was what was left in the line... and it only dripped it's way into my tank, so empty at this point that we could hear it as the drops echoed in the tank...
Lather, rinse, repeat...
We did this 3-4 more times along the route for a grand total of just under 1/2 gallon... he kept asking how far to the next town by my map and I kept praying that he would agree to just sleep at the next pump until it opened in a few hours... I also prayed that the fumes would get us where we needed to go so he wouldn't have to walk to the next town...
We finally made it to a larger town that actually had a Walmart with gas pumps... which of course were off, but the store was open so I could use the restroom and ask what time the pumps opened... the lady working there told us about the one 24 hour pump in town which happened to be less than 2 miles away... so if we did die, my husband could walk back to the Walmart to buy a gas can then to the pump and back to the car with ease if need be...
We made it to the station, which was, of course, dark and deserted, with the exception of the one brightly lit pump...
My husband put his card in...
"Please see attendant" flashed across the screen... (of course... he just made 3-4 purchases for about 25-50 cents each and the card was flagged...)
I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my face... he was trying not to lose his temper while digging in his bag for another card... which he found and successfully used to fill up my starving tank.
Now this whole trip I prayed... that I stay awake... that I find him without too much trouble... that the gas in tank got us to where we needed to be... that no one had to walk anywhere... that we make it home safe. And as I began to realize that running out of gas was a very real possibility, the Bible story about a small amount of food feeding a large amount of people with more left over than they started with kept running through my mind... God would make my car go farther than it should on what was left in the tank... I knew it... and I prayed for it... for 4 hours I prayed for it....
That night in the rural midwest, God made a car that only gets 27-29 mpg get close to 35 mpg... the proof was in the distance of the trip divided by the amount of gas we put in at the pumps...
We pulled safely into our driveway at 5:30 am Saturday morning.
Never think that God doesn't answer ALL prayers... sometimes His answer is "no" or "not yet" but He does answer them ALL...
********************
35 weeks today... 5 weeks to go... OB says the baby is doing fabulously... BP meds increased to twice a day but the dose is still so small that I am not too concerned...
My husband left Thursday evening for a weekend fishing trip at a state park located 2-3 hours south of our home... Nothing special... he goes camping about once a month when it's nice out so this was nothing out of the ordinary for him....
Friday night about 11 pm I get a collect call from him... his cell didn't get service where he was.... he had gotten into it with the group of people he was with and had grabbed his stuff and walked off the camp site and headed to the main lodge... he needed a ride...
For those of you who don't know my husband, he can really lose his temper when provoked... I guess this was a different group of people that he knew but had never camped with before... and he got into it with one of the guys and was greatly out numbered... he figured it was better for him to grab his stuff and go than to hit the guy and then either get mauled by the rest of the group or tossed in jail...
So, he gave me some rough directions and I headed out about 11:30 pm... I was doing okay on gas and figured I would try to stop once a little over half-way down there to use the restroom and get gas so we could drive straight thru on the way back.... little did I know that the route I was taking had nothing after the last town 45 min from our house...
There were plenty of gas stations along the route but being so rural and the middle of the night, they were all closed. When my husband called to give me more specific directions, he told me to stop and try a pump anyway... of course it didn't work...
By the time I got to him, I had about 1/8 tank of gas. I told him I thought we should head to the next town and hope for an open pump but he refused and we headed back toward home... me knowing there was no hope for gas for at least 50 miles or more...
Now, being a guy, my husband set out to prove me wrong. We stopped at one station and although it accepted his card, the pumps were off so all we could get was what was left in the line... and it only dripped it's way into my tank, so empty at this point that we could hear it as the drops echoed in the tank...
Lather, rinse, repeat...
We did this 3-4 more times along the route for a grand total of just under 1/2 gallon... he kept asking how far to the next town by my map and I kept praying that he would agree to just sleep at the next pump until it opened in a few hours... I also prayed that the fumes would get us where we needed to go so he wouldn't have to walk to the next town...
We finally made it to a larger town that actually had a Walmart with gas pumps... which of course were off, but the store was open so I could use the restroom and ask what time the pumps opened... the lady working there told us about the one 24 hour pump in town which happened to be less than 2 miles away... so if we did die, my husband could walk back to the Walmart to buy a gas can then to the pump and back to the car with ease if need be...
We made it to the station, which was, of course, dark and deserted, with the exception of the one brightly lit pump...
My husband put his card in...
"Please see attendant" flashed across the screen... (of course... he just made 3-4 purchases for about 25-50 cents each and the card was flagged...)
I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my face... he was trying not to lose his temper while digging in his bag for another card... which he found and successfully used to fill up my starving tank.
Now this whole trip I prayed... that I stay awake... that I find him without too much trouble... that the gas in tank got us to where we needed to be... that no one had to walk anywhere... that we make it home safe. And as I began to realize that running out of gas was a very real possibility, the Bible story about a small amount of food feeding a large amount of people with more left over than they started with kept running through my mind... God would make my car go farther than it should on what was left in the tank... I knew it... and I prayed for it... for 4 hours I prayed for it....
That night in the rural midwest, God made a car that only gets 27-29 mpg get close to 35 mpg... the proof was in the distance of the trip divided by the amount of gas we put in at the pumps...
We pulled safely into our driveway at 5:30 am Saturday morning.
Never think that God doesn't answer ALL prayers... sometimes His answer is "no" or "not yet" but He does answer them ALL...
********************
35 weeks today... 5 weeks to go... OB says the baby is doing fabulously... BP meds increased to twice a day but the dose is still so small that I am not too concerned...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Patience & Wisdom
Thanks to Nancy for this one:
Two of the greatest qualities in life are patience and wisdom...
Two of the greatest qualities in life are patience and wisdom...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Oh, Baby!
I have a friend who works in a local OB's office where they do 3D/4D ultrasounds... guess what her gift to us was :-)
The tech measured the baby to see how we are growing... the last time we were measured everything was right on target... except for the arms and legs which measured a week ahead of everything else... long legs, just like momma...
This time, the head was still on track but the legs were 3 weeks ahead of our dates... freakishly long legs, again, just like momma... we are on track to be 8-9 lbs and 23+ inches long...
Guess I better invest in some onesie extenders...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Avoiding Bed Rest
I was diagnosed with high blood pressure (BP) in October of 2007. It was successfully managed with meds until April of this year... as it turns out, I am healthier pregnant than I am when I am not... I was taken off the meds and have monitored my BP weekly since then and all has been well.
Until last week...
Thursday morning, my feet were pretty swollen when I first woke up... a bit unusual so I stopped at the hospital closest to me (where I will be delivering and where I work as well) to have them check my BP before I drove all the way into the city. It was a bit high but came down after I sat for several minutes so I went about my day. I was back at that same hospital for work that afternoon and checked my BP again before I went home. Again it was a bit high but nothing too horrible.
That night during my child birth class, my feet swelled enough to cause some concern so I stopped at that same hospital on my way home... 159/106... high enough for them to put me in a room, on monitors, and do a PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) work-up. After 2 hours, my BP came down and my labs came back fine. They sent me home with orders to do a 24 hour urine...
This week, my doctor informed me that my 24 hour urine looked fine but that she wanted me back on my BP meds, off my feet as much as possible, and on my left side with my feet up for at least 2 hours each day after work. She wants to start seeing me weekly and wants a biophysical work-up on the baby each week to monitor growth, movement, heart rate, placenta health/function, and uterine fluid levels.
I had my first biophysical ultrasound (u/s) today. Things looked really good. Baby is growing well and the fluid levels were within normal limits (WNL). Movement was better than normal... very active and breathing a lot... babies get their oxygen from the placenta so breathing is a lot of unnecessary movement that they don't do unless they are doing really well... The u/s tech said if the baby keeps this up, barring any issues with my BP, we should have no problem making it til October 1st.
********************
34 weeks today... perfectly capable of thriving anytime we decide to enter the world... estimated 5 lbs 8 ozs at u/s today...
Until last week...
Thursday morning, my feet were pretty swollen when I first woke up... a bit unusual so I stopped at the hospital closest to me (where I will be delivering and where I work as well) to have them check my BP before I drove all the way into the city. It was a bit high but came down after I sat for several minutes so I went about my day. I was back at that same hospital for work that afternoon and checked my BP again before I went home. Again it was a bit high but nothing too horrible.
That night during my child birth class, my feet swelled enough to cause some concern so I stopped at that same hospital on my way home... 159/106... high enough for them to put me in a room, on monitors, and do a PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) work-up. After 2 hours, my BP came down and my labs came back fine. They sent me home with orders to do a 24 hour urine...
This week, my doctor informed me that my 24 hour urine looked fine but that she wanted me back on my BP meds, off my feet as much as possible, and on my left side with my feet up for at least 2 hours each day after work. She wants to start seeing me weekly and wants a biophysical work-up on the baby each week to monitor growth, movement, heart rate, placenta health/function, and uterine fluid levels.
I had my first biophysical ultrasound (u/s) today. Things looked really good. Baby is growing well and the fluid levels were within normal limits (WNL). Movement was better than normal... very active and breathing a lot... babies get their oxygen from the placenta so breathing is a lot of unnecessary movement that they don't do unless they are doing really well... The u/s tech said if the baby keeps this up, barring any issues with my BP, we should have no problem making it til October 1st.
********************
34 weeks today... perfectly capable of thriving anytime we decide to enter the world... estimated 5 lbs 8 ozs at u/s today...
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